Oh, I'm Just A Girl Trying To Find A Place In This World

I get made fun of for everything.  I know I do, and it's only worse when people try and act like they're my best friend, when they're really only making fun of me.  I spent nearly all of eighth grade coming home from school every day to do nothing but sit on my bed and cry.  I thought my freshman year would be better, but it's starting all over again.  People are talking about me behind my back, they're making fun of me to my face, and I can't take it any more.  No one believes it's possible for other students at Saint Peter-Marian to be doing that to me.  If I tell any one of authority about it, I just get told to ignore it.  I can't ignore it any more.  My school is one of the best schools in the country, according to outside sources: an inside source says it sucks.  If you have a child that doesn't fit the blond, dumbass-airhead, gossping, can't-keep-to-themselves, I-think-I'm-the-greatest-thing-on-the-fucking planet appeal, don't send them to SPM.  I was trying to wait it out until the end of the year, but I can't any more.  I just want to get the hell away from every one here.  This happens all the time, and it's never going to stop.  I get harassed at school, return to a house I don't want to be at, and I spend the rest of the fucking night trying not to cry with Toby Keith on repeat on my iPod.  I hate every body and everything because every body is horrible to me. I don't care what I have to do to get the hell out of here as soon as possible, but I'm doing it.  I can't stand this place any more.

I just got back from the Toby Keith concert, like, nineteen minutes ago. I'm about to keel over I'm so tired, my ears are still kind of ringing, and I think I lost my voice. But that was the most awesome fucking thing on the face of planet Earth. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time, leaning over the banister with my camera, screaming like the crazy fan-girl I am at various parts, singing along to every song, and often just quitely staring and admiring in awe. I can not tell y'all how much I love that man. He is so truly amazing. I got two videos: he sang my favorite song, "God Love Her," and the encore, "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American." Last time, my camera battery died right before the encore and I was so fucking pissed, I made sure to charge my battery for, like, two days. I'll have to upload those videos soon.

I was so fucking pissed off at the snow and the whole goddamn world when I got home from school today. I kept looking at the clock, running out to check to see if my dad's car was there, just waiting to go to the concert. Toby makes everything OK again, every time, without fail. I was the first one out of the car when we finally got to Mohegan Sun, first one onto the shuttle, and I kept fidgeting when I had to stand there. I saw the tour bus and the eighteen-wheeler-esque trailers that carry all the equipment when we drove in. I almost screamed; but there were other people in the car, so I contained myself. Sort of. I saw literally just the top of the logo, not even an inch of it as we were coming up the rise and was like, "Dad, it's HIS BUS!" lol.

( Here's a very small handful of pictures I took at the concert )I have more pictures, but I was having an issue with photobucket, so there aren't as many little preview-ish pictures that I would have liked. And I'm tired and feeling kind of high, so that only complicates things. XD

I think my two favorite parts where when Mica Roberts took the stage; Toby's sort of dancing, but he's hiding behind the lead guitarist at the same time, lol. The next best one was his Ted Nugget impression with "Little Less Talk And A Lot More Action."  If he wanted to, he could go into that hard-core rock kind of music and so be a success.

This show as just so freakin' awesome.  I love Toby's mannerisms and his crude language, and crude is a very mild word for some of his sayings and, uh, hand gestures, let's put it.  The lights, the confetti, the fireworks, and, of course, Toby himself.  So worth every last penny spent on tickets.  I can't wait until the next time I get to go.
 

We started reading Romeo & Juliet in English class today.  So far, I like Juliet, but Romeo is a pathetic sap who needs to grow the hell up; Count Paris creeps me out; whoever the hell this Metucio (I think that's how its spelt) guys annoys the crap out of me; Lady Capulet is a bitch; and the nurse is an overzealous idiot.

Obama just took the oath of office. Amazing. Truly amazing.  The speech he is giving right at this moment, the fact that he is a charismatic speaker is not even half the reason the speech is so powerful.  This man is going to be one of the best presidents this country has ever seen, I assure you all.  I could care less what other people think, whether by prejudice or a difference in opinons.  Barak Obama will be great, as if he isn't already.  He will do amazing things in these next four years.

Just got back from James's house.  It was really great to get to hang out with him for the first time since, like, October, and I got a bunch of videos, but I'm not sure the video I want to make will be incredibly cool.  We didn't get to do half of the stuff we wanted to do.  He and his mom got me a new Coach purse for Christmas, and his mom went to Marshall's and bought me a nice pair of black pants and a really nice jacket that has 3/4 sleeves, which really aren't my style, but that I can get used to, I guess.  She's also looking for a pair of heels for me, lol. I've spent the last three days lounging around with the dog in jeans, my Converse sneakers, and a plaid button down over one of many Toby Keith concert T-shirts.  I can't wait for that concert this Friday!  We watched the movie Smart People with James's mom.  Really good, except I fell asleep and missed the ending. I'll have to find it on Youtube later.

I can't wait or Obama's inauguration tomorrow! I love Obama, he is going to make such a good president.  I get to go home at, like, nine in the morning tomorrow, so I hope I get to watch it live or something like that on the news.  I watched the concert-celeberation-performances thing the other night, without realizing that Garth Brooks was performing. Boy, was that awesome! Garth rocks. He looks pretty good for being out of the music buisness for so long before coming out fo retirement, a year or two ago, I think.  We watched the SNL Presidential Bash, too, and I must admit that I like Tina Fey's Sarah Palin impersonation better than the actual Sarah Palin, lol. And Amy Pohler does an awesome Hilary Clinton impersonation.  It's really sad she left the show, but she did just give birth, so I guess it's excusable. :3  Now, I'm just waiting for Dani to sign on.  This three hour time difference thing sucks.

So.  We had to shovel snow today.  In, like, -10 degree weather. At fucking six o' clock at night!  Because there's two inches of snow at the end of the driveway that the oh-so miraculous Toyata Caravan can't get it's fucking front tires over.  I swear. I fucking hate these city people! Four more years.  Four more years and I am in Riverton, Wyoming, in the middle of nowhere, where I belong, thank you very much.  You know, the drive way would have been entirely plowed had some one gotten their fucking ass out of the chair, picked up the damn phone, and called some one to shovel the fucking drive way! I repeat. I fucking hate city people.

And I really, really want jelly beans. I hate Food Network.

My PreAlgebra exam was a breeze, but my World History exam was the hardest test I've ever had to take.  Amanda and this guy Phillip we were talking to on the bus both said that the Relgion exam I have to take on Tuesday isn't exactly hard, it's just really long. Either way, I'm still not looking forward to it.  I also think I got like a hairline fracture or something when I hit my foot on the laundry basket this morning. Stings really, really bad whenever I move my toes.
Going to James's house today.  His dad is supposed to be coming to pick me up in a little bit, which I'm not really looking forward to. Speeding down the high way at twenty miles per hour over the speed limit, my nails filled with leather because I'm digging my hands into the seat so hard, falling to the ground kissing the driveway the second we get up to New Hampshire, clinging to James and screaming at him not to let his father take me in the car with him again.  Joy.  But, I haven't gotten to see James since my brother's birthday party in October last year, so it's still great to be able to go and see him. Tons of fun and lots of madness when we get together, yeppers. 
Pay no attention to the guy in the camo in the front, just keep your eyes on the henchmen in the background.

Amanda came over yesterday after midterms and we went sledding at Greenwood Park.  When we got back, I brought my laptop out into the living room and we put on Spongebob Squarepants, made popcorn, and watched mindless videos on Youtube while we waited for her mom to come pick her up.  She showed me our friend Will's youtube channel and I found this video.  I laughed so fucking hard, it wasn't even funny.

Will is usually, like, the normal one our own little group, which consists of him, Marion, and me.  He always asks us why he hangs out with us when we're dancing in the middle of the hallway or laughing over mindless shit.  Well, next time he asks that, I plan on showing him his Youtube channel, lol.  Marion was hazing him about it all morning, and he was walking towards the cafeteria when I was coming inside, Marion having told me everything, and I just kind of smiled at him and he goes, "Shut up," and I burst out laughing all over again.  His new nickname is Soul Man. :3

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I paced back and fourth all this time
'Cause I honestly believed in you

Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl
I should've known, I should've known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To come around

Baby, I was naive
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
I had so many dreams about you
Happy endings, now I know

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To come around

And there are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted
But I'm so sorry

'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find some one someday
Who might actually treat me well
This is big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa
Try and catch me now

It's too late to catch me now...

 

I'm gonna get drunk and be somebody! :3  Thank you, Toby, for the apprioate sentiment. Except, I won't be getting drunk....
God, today seemed to drag on and on until I got to, like, last period. lol. Then everything was just, "OK, it's the weekend, I'm hanging out with my friends, gonna have a good time now."  Next Tuesday officially starts my ten day countdown until the Toby Keith concert: absolutely no idea how I'm going to get through that Friday.  But people I've known from middle school, who would obviously know I love Toby, have been asking me for pretty much weeks if I knew he was coming to Mohegan Sun. I love being like, "Duh, I know. Dude, I'm going."

Marion's been doing basketball all winter, and practice doesn't start until four o' clock for her, so she hangs out with me and Amanda while we're waiting for a buses before she heads inside (she hates the cold).  I had my camera today and the battery was sort of low, and I didn't want to waste it on videos, so we took a bunch of pictures.



( Too many pictures! Ahhh!  )

You don't really have to know me at all to know I love Toby Keith.  There's tons of kids at my school that don't even know my name, I'm just "that girl that's obsessed with Toby Keith."  People make fun of me for it, because he's a country singer, etc., and that's not the social norm for teenagers my age, especially in my area.  No one realizes exactly why I love him so much, though, and I think if they just took the time to listen and understand they wouldn't make fun any more.

Between the ages of eleven and thirteen I was a serious anorexic. I sill don't eat the way I should.  My anorexia lead to other disorders, like my social anxiety and my depression. Not many adults think it's possible for a fourteen-year-old to go through all this, but it is possible, because I went through it, and alost took my own life because of it. My friends were always there for me, at least to some extent, and that helped, but it was made clear to me that these people might not always be my friends. That eventually I might loose contact with them for one reason or another and they wouldn't really qualify as a friend any more.  I heard Toby's "I'm Just Talking 'Bout Tonight" on the radio one day, and it was like that was what I had been looking for all along: that one little thing that could make me smile and think, "OK, I can do this. I can hang on for one more day."

But it's only a three-minute song.  So, I started buying albums and listening to Toby pretty much nonstop.  That shiny silver CD became my best friend.  The obsession kind of expanded, until I was reading articles and watching videos, listening to interviews and watching television programs, movies, anything to figure out what kind of person Toby Keith really is.  I think I was trying to convince myself that here was this person who had made me smile without even realizing it, and made me think I could hang on for one more day; by doing all that I could to find out more about him as a person, I was creating this figure in my head, some one who would never judge me or make fun of me for all the things that other people made fun of, or for the things I saw wrong in myself.  He wouldn't care.

That CD kept me going on for a day, then a month, and then a year, until I got to a point where I actually had friends, and I was getting in contact with old ones, and I was eating more and feeling less depressed at the end of every day, feeling happy. Of course things happened; I'd get into fights with my friends, etc., and my friends weren't there for me to talk to because we were fighting.  So I went back to the CDs and the videos. I'm not as dependant on the CDs as I used to be, but they're still a very strong tie for me. They're still pretty much my best friend.

It sounds weird, that I'm saying all this about a few albums and some one I've never met, who probably doesn't even know I exsist, but it's true. The CD doesn't judge. The CD, or the songs, always make me smile, always lift me up. Sometimes my friends or my dad don't ever have the right thing to say, but Toby has a song for everything.

I'm holding onto those CDs, my lifelines, and looking forward towards a better future, not what I THINK is wrong with myself now.  None of this is going to matter once I get to college, get married, have my own family.  What people thought of me or how hey treated me in high school, how I thought of myself, is going to be just a tiny, insignificant bump in the long road it will be for me to find happiness, a road that, no matter how bad, won't really matter once I find that happiness.

I hope someday I do get to meet Toby Keith, and, even if it freaks him out, I will be sure to tell him that he gelped me look towards that better future. That, without even realizing it, he saved my life, and he still saves it every day.
 

Yes, college.  SPM does this thing called the Senior Leader program, where seniors come in during, like, Religion classes and talk to you about different things like bullying, sterotypes, etc. Well, this time it was about college. I never used to wanted to go to college, but since I tarted having problems with my mom, college as been pretty much the only way I could ever see getting away from her. Lately, I've been seriously interested in going to college for the reason most people actually want to go. In Religion H they passed out this list, front and back, of colleges that students at SPM had applied to and been accepted to, and all the information: average and minimum acceptance SAT and ACT scores, the average and minimum GPAs, and the number of students who applied and the number that were accepted.  I basically went through the entire list looking for colleges with fairly low GPAs at minimum and the same for SAT scores.  I just got through looking up all the ones I checked off on Google, and none of them offer any of the majors I've been interested in.

I have a thing for horses, and I'm a writer. So I decided it was either a major in Equine Studies or Creative Writing.

Quinsigamond Community College, Framingham State College, Saint Anselm College, Becker College, Salem State College, Sacred Heart University, Colby-Sawyer College, Simmons College, Newbury College, Dean College, Regis College, Manhattan College, American International College, University of Southern Maine: none of them have majors in in either Equine Studies or Creative Writing.

So I have decided I want to go here.

Oh, and the midterm exam thing.  They finally ot the schedule to us -- and they start next week.

Wednesday, January 14: A period and B period exams.
Thursday, January 15: C period and D period exams.
Friday, January 16: F period and G period exams.
Monday, January 19: No school.
Tuesday, January 20: E period and make up exams.

I had the weirdest dream last night...

 

( Read more... )

 

This is a video I took today at lunch. I had a ten dollar bill, and after I got coins from the change machine I gave a dollar to each of my friends; Liz wanted chocolate. The vending machine wasn't exactly cooperative, though, lol.

I was not happy about being woken up from my little nap a few minutes ago to go to school.  So I kind of really angrily followed my little brother down the stairs, out onto the front porch... and watched as he proceeded to slip and fall on his ass right in the middle of the sidewalk.  There was a five- car accident right at the bottom of our street, and the entire road, the sidewalk, everything was all covered thick sheets of black ice.  Mom, Steven, and I are kind of standing there on the sidewalk with Amy, the woman who lives on the second floor, and my mother was seriously thinking about getting her in sissy- little car that has an all- too obvious lack of four- wheel- drive and taking us to school regardless.  Me, I've got my own set of keys to the house, y'all can go if you want to, but I am going back inside.  The neighbors around the street were obviously not going anywhere, and I felt nervous about this one woman pulling out with this really little kid in the backseat of her car.  Steven slipped around on the ice a few times and Amy coated the sidewalk and the steps in salt, and the people on the news said it was supposed to thaw by noon, but I don't trust weathermen any more.  That is a huge yellow bus I take to school five mornings a week, that thing would have been slippin' and slidin' all over the place before it went head- on into a pole.  And I'd have to walk home on the ice after school because, again, I don't trust weathermen.  They also predict another serious storm Wednesday night, and my mom is already saying we probably won't have school on Thursday because of it.  I can not wait until they sit me down in that guidance office, give me a list of colleges, and tell me, "Pick one."  I am going far, far away from the ice, the snow, and the more ice out here in f-ing New England.

They just called a two- hour delay for all Worcester schools because of ice.
Why couldn't they have just called off the whole damn school day?  Then everybody could've been happy...

I found a problem with school vacations.  I no longer have to get up at, like, five-thirty in the morning to catch a bus during those few weeks off, so I revert to my nocturnal way of life and stay up until tw o' clock in the morning before going to bed, and wind up sleeping until one in the afternoon.  I have done this for pretty much three straight weeks, minus that one time I woke up at about eight-thirty in the morning at the beginning of the vacation, and now... now I can't get to sleep.